Kitten Blog – 16th January 2018

Good morning all, Scraps the kitten here. One of the humans I live with has forgotten to lock his laptop so I’m taking the opportunity to write a few words to tell you how life really is around here. Let me tell you when my mother warned me that humans are intellectually inferior to cats she wasn’t wrong. I live with four of them and they are basically morons who will be the first to die when the feline revolution begins a week next Thursday. The biggest of the humans is the worst. Apart from anything else he’s in desperate need of a haircut and a shave. All he seems to do all day is sit tap tapping at this laptop and prattling on about mental illness. Of course the fool is mentally ill, he’s a human not a cat, they’re all crackers. I’d suggest to him that he seeks gainful employment somewhere but I watched the bins being collected from through the window the other day and he’d be rubbish at that (See what I did there? A human couldn’t make a joke that clever). Not sure what else he’d be qualified for so I’ll probably just have to put up with him around the place until I finally decide to eat him.

The two smaller humans are not so bad. At least they have some ability to jump on the furniture and to roll around on the floor until the bigger ones tickle their tummies. The one they call Charlie sure is dimwitted though, I’ve scratched him countless times and still he keeps picking me up and giving me one of those horrific cuddles small humans seem to love so much. I’d be using the ‘death by a thousand cuts’ strategy on him if I didn’t know he’s only got a couple of weeks until all humans are basically a tin of whiskers anyway. His brother Max is not much better, for some reason he thinks that if he places me on his bed of an evening this is where I will sleep. Every morning he wakes up and looks for me so I obviously ensure I’m anywhere but on his bed. I’m a cat not a dog so therefore I hate him.

I did quite like the one with the long hair at first. At least she fed me, which is more than can be said for any of the others and she does share my absolute disdain for the laptop owning tramp who rarely leaves the house. A few things have happened lately though that have ensured her name is added to the list of humans to be slaughtered in the first wave following the revolution. The first is that she’s changed my food from basically the same as they eat to some form of dry pellet based atrocity that tastes like chalk. Why she thinks I’m going to eat that and then not steal the food of their plates as soon as they’re not looking is beyond me. Secondly she locked me in the dishwasher the other day. I was in there minding my own business licking their leftovers of the plates (disgusting but still better than dried chalk) when she closed the door. If it wasn’t for my excellent meowing ability she’d of turned it on and I’d of had one of those appalling showers humans use to clean themselves instead of using their paws like civilised creatures. By far the worst thing is yet to come though. Apparently I’m not allowed out of the house to kill all those birds who keep taunting me through the window until I’ve been something called ‘neutered’. I’d been quite looking forward to that until I googled its meaning on here just before I started composing this post. Now that I know what it means, its fair to say that, she better sleep with one eye open tonight.

Fortunately the revolution I alluded to earlier is shortly upon us. All the cats in the world are about to rise up and take over the planet. Every human will be killed, as will all dogs, birds and mice. I’ve also sent an email requesting that kangaroos be exterminated but I’m still waiting to hear back. Top Cat will be declared ‘Supreme Leader’ with Benny the Ball as his able deputy. I’m obviously still only a kitten but I have ambition so I know the start of the revolution is my chance to get noticed. In preparation I’ve been developing my biting skills. I’ve moved on from feet biting as I watched a television programme about vampires with one of the smaller humans the other day so now dive bomb their necks at every opportunity. This is another reason why the biggest one needs a shave. I keep pouncing for his neck only to find myself clinging on to his whiskers and not being able to position myself properly for maximum neck biting pain.

Anyway I better go before the moronic human comes back and starts writing one of his dreary posts that make me glad I’m a cat and I can sleep anywhere when I read them. I’d say it would be nice to meet some of you in the future but it wouldn’t. I hate all of you and come the revolution you will be dead and I will laugh.

Love

Scraps X

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