When life gives you lemons making lemonade with them can do one. Instead inject them with vodka & have them as a chaser with a can of lager.
Having a few days out of the rat race due to hating the rat race with a passion. If I see any rats racing while I’m here I won’t be happy.
I’d be having fun in the sun if it was sunny and I was having fun.
I’m in London. It’s raining. We have rain in the north. It’s not impressing me.
Six weeks off the booze and eating healthily as resulted in me being on crutches with severe ankle pain. It’s a test from above.
I’m on a course all next week to become certified as a workplace mediator. I plan to use it on here to sort out tiffs, ruckuses and gripes.
I’m going to put a tweet in a bottle and throw it in the sea.
I have a solution to UK traffic problems. Exterminate all with a vehicle apart from me. Not sure why this hasn’t been thought of before 🤔.
Every time a shadow cabinet member resigns I remove something from my bathroom version. All I’ve got left is a soap on a rope.
There seems to be a huge amount of disagreement over Brexit. I think we should just have a referendum to settle it once and for all.
Missed call from the wife. I wonder if she was calling to suggest coming home for an afternoon tryst or to see if I’ve taken the bins out. 🤔
Advice required. How do I motivate myself to communicate with people I’ve known for less than 20 years? I can’t really see the point of them.
Home alone like a 1970’s housewife.
I’m sending the kids to the park this morning to take part in a community litter pick up. I’ll await their return whilst lying on the sofa.
I’ve just pretty much begged for more Followers on Facebook. I blame all of you for this.
Followers tell all your followers to follow me. I’ve decided to become one of those cult leaders that do so much good around the world.
I’ve lost a follower. I’m going to their house to knock on their door and run away. Let that be a warning to the rest of you.
Is it socially acceptable to have something to eat between a mid morning snack and lunch?
I fear the word xenophobia. Sounds foreign.
Somebody replied to a tweet & called me ‘quick witted’. If only they knew I’d been working on it for 6 hrs and parts were plagiarised. 😳
In the bath. Can’t see me failing to get clean.
I’m a big believer in challenging social norms and breaking them down where necessary. Tonight I’m having breakfast for dinner.
All this eating, drinking and being merry is completely at odds with my personality. Apart from eating and drinking which is.
Just asked the wife for some tea and sympathy before she leaves for work. She told me to fuck off.
Working until 4pm. I’m going to knock off at 3.59pm and stage a 60 second protest against capitalism. Take that fat cats. 👊🐱👊.
If I go downstairs the wife will shout at me. If I stay in bed the wife will shout at me. Relationships can be tricky at times.
This Old House by Shaking Stevens was the first record I ever bought. This kind of decision making is the reason girls don’t like me.
Apparently Twitter and Tinder are not the same. Explains a lot.
Got told I look young for my age today. It transpired they thought I was 45. I’m 43.
I’ve sent my children on an errand. They think they’re on a treasure hunt. #creativeparenting
I’ve just put all my ducks in a row. It didn’t take long as I don’t have any ducks.
It’s Friday. My DNA demands that I drink, fight and eat pizza. My wife demands I empty the dishwasher and peel some carrots. #naturethief
I has a conversation today about sustainability. It didn’t last long.
I’m going to invent an exploding supermarket floor to rid the world of the menace that is people pausing in the entrance without any reason.
Pointless is on. This is a quiz not a drama depicting my pursuit of attractive women.
I’m waiting for a delivery. I also need to go to the toilet. This is Russian roulette on a whole new level.
The back of my knee itches. Am I dying?
In going away for the weekend. I’m packing slippers. I’m over 40. That’s what happens.
There’s quite an age gap between my two children. I procrastinated about procreation in order to be able to write this sentence one day.
I’m finding it harder and harder to tolerate intolerance.
I’ve never been one to shirk from shirking my responsibilities.
I’m not sure why people complain about our benefit system. I think it’s welfare.
Observational humour. I can’t see what’s funny about it.
Collaboration is a bit like sharing although you can’t have a collaboration platter.
Due to laziness and a methodical approach to life I’m gonna start an evolution from my bed.
I think my bird has swine flu. This is the second illness in the family after my swine was diagnosed with bird flu earlier in the week.
In a desire to improve how accepted I am in social situations I’ve started to add cucumber to my sandwiches.
I got swizzled today. I didn’t enjoy it but I can still respect the word swizzled. Had I been simply duped I would not feel the same.
I wonder what my beard looks like from space
In the office before anyone else today so I went round everyone’s desk and where they have a picture of a cat on display I barked at it.
My looks have opened many doors. Mainly by women leaving the room when I make eye contact.
I’m sick of phants. Follow me everywhere and hang on my every word.
I’m 50% of the way to being a stand up comedian. I’m standing up.
The only thing I do with any degree of consistency is inconsistency.
Another day, another corporate dollar. Attempted to remain true to my socialist roots by offering the cleaning lady a crisp. She declined.