My children are Aliens.
So I have a confession to make. My children are not of this earth. They are in fact Aliens who were sent on a fact finding mission from their home planet but crashed their blue rocket in my garden one rainy night a little over thirteen years ago. Since then I have been protecting their true identity and posing as their father until the spare parts they need to repair their rocket can be provided. To be fair it’s been a pleasure as they’re actually the nicest Aliens you could hope to meet, other than ALF and possibly E.T.
I remember the night they came into my life as though it was yesterday. A storm raged and I was awoken from my sleep by a flashing light and large crash that almost shattered my bedroom window. When I looked outside I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw a blue rocket had crashed smack into the greenhouse completely destroying that seasons tomato crop. Being the intrepid adventurer I am I immediately went outside to investigate. Whilst descending the stairs I remember inwardly congratulating myself for having the foresight to wear my Luke Skywalker pyjamas that evening as they would show my garden guests that I wasn’t from the dark side and they need not be afraid.
The sight that met me when I reached the greenhouse crash scene was one of carnage. Most of the rear end of the rocket was smashed and all the windows were broken. I could clearly hear one voice shouting; “I told you we should have come in the red rocket. Everyone knows the Reds are far better than the Blues 😉”.
Determined to get to the bottom of this situation I climbed up into the rocket and quickly noted that it had a crew of two small and cute looking creatures. One had blonde hair and just seemed to be sitting there asking himself question after question with seemingly no interest in obtaining any actual answers. The other, smaller, one had brown hair and seemed quite happy just throwing things at the other one and then hiding under the pilots seat. Quickly introducing myself I quickly established that they could both speak and understand English. I’d later learn that the reason for this is that the only television show that is transmitted on their planet is Emmerdale Farm and Joe Sugden and Mr. Wilkes are seen as godlike presences. Pretty much the only falling out we’ve ever had is when I once made a light hearted comment that I found Charity Dingle quite attractive. Both Charlie and Max, as I now called them, we’re very upset by this as, apparently, the first lesson all the inhabitants of their planet are taught from a very early age is not to ‘mingle with the Dingles’.
It turned out that they come from a planet called Doh. I must say it sounds like a lovely place. All the streets are made of chocolate and the houses made of marzipan. Everyone loves everyone else and meanness is punishable by a ‘stern look of disapproval, which is the most anyone can bring themselves to do as all negativity is just too much effort and gets in the way of their favourite things to do which is to spend their days being kind and thinking kind thoughts. There is only one problem with living on Doh and unfortunately it’s quite a big one. A neighbouring planet called Roar is the complete opposite of Doh. Those that live there are made of fire and the only way they can stay alight is to continuously fuel their flames by dreaming up ever more despicable acts of cruelty. In recent years word has reached Doh that there is a plan for Roar to attack them and burn their planet to cinders with everyone on it. As the residents of Doh have an inherent dislike of confrontation this has been very worrying so they had researched where to go to learn how to be more aggressive, argumentative and warlike which led to Charlie and Max volunteering to go on a mission to Wrenthorpe in Wakefield, UK, planet Earth as apparently some people displaying all the characteristics they need to learn live here.
As the years have gone by I’ve grown more and more fond of my two little Aliens. They really are like children to me. I know they both sometimes dream of being able to return home. Particularly on a Sunday when they have to do homework, something that was banned on Doh many years ago and replaced with a weekly jelly baby eating competition, but on the whole they seem happy living here and playing at being human. I do worry though that as they get older the niceness that is part of the Doh DNA will hold them back on Earth and I really don’t want that for them so I will strive to help them fix their rocket so they can go back where they belong. Who knows, maybe they’ll take me with them but that’s a conversation for another day.