Monday Mini Monologue…

I can explain but I cannot excuse. The consequences of my actions must be accepted. All that is left is to say sorry and to ensure that my failure does not define me but enables growth towards something better. This weakness of mind cannot go on. I must start to understand my own truth, without it I am nothing. Words should become more than just words, they should be my foundation stones, my guiding principles, my truth. I see the pain, anger and frustration lying in wait for my children. I know what this will mean for them and those they will love. This is the hardest of all the consequences as they are innocent but will suffer all the same. My own pain is merely penance and is often welcomed as an old friend. I see you looking down at me and I sense your shame. Please look away, there are others more worthy of the sadness in your soul. I feel your anger across the room and I wish it was love. Please don’t waste time on me, there are others who earn your love everyday. I am tired now, sleep is opening its arms for me. Tonight I pray that it will not judge and just let me be. Just let me be.

3 thoughts on “Monday Mini Monologue…

  1. Your first 3 sentences are spot on! The first step to changing anything is understanding that you NEED to change.
    The second is understanding WHAT you need to change, and the third is CHANGING IT.
    You are beginning to move forward on your journey, but don’t see it as a massive “thing” you have to change all at once. You didn’t suddenly wake up feeling like this, it took time and will take time to move on from it. Change small things, one at a time. They make up that bigger “thing”.
    As you change more things, the familiar feeling / old friend of pain you mention will be replaced by a familiar feeling of motivation, satisfaction and then happiness. They won’t be familiar at first, but they will become so when you repeat them.
    Pain has become an old friend to you as you have become used to it (you didn’t choose it, that’s different, but you have become used to it). It feels like home.
    Now you have to make motivation, satisfaction and happiness become familiar, like an old friend. For that to happen you need to practice them, and to do that you need to do things one small but repeated step at a time.
    Remember out of little acorns mighty oaks grow.

    Also remember this blog is great! Very articulate and insightful… don’t use it as a tool to get stuck in the understanding phase, use it as a tool to keep moving forward.

    Namaste 🙏🏻

    1. Thanks Emma, I do understand that I need to change. The what (exactly – I know some of this) and the how (I know some of this as well but it’s scary) are a bit more challenging. Your words help though so I really appreciate you taking the time to post them. X

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