A love letter to myself…

Dear Phill,

I have known you for a little over forty five years. Although sometimes it hasn’t been easy I just wanted to write and let you know how much I love you. The time we’ve spent together has been my life and I am grateful to you for sharing it with me. Please don’t read these words and dismiss them, to do so would be to undervalue my feelings and, today at least, I won’t allow you to do that.

The Phill I love is right there in-front of you. Look in the mirror, really look. Can you see the kindness in your eyes that I see? Are you able to recognise that your complicated soul is what makes you the person others want to have in their lives? Stop making it so difficult for them and for me to love you. Whatever you’re trying to achieve by doing this, you won’t succeed. I won’t let you.

You’re a lot better looking than you think you are as well. Next time someone tells you that, say thanks and take the complement. Looking at your shoes and muttering is what’s unattractive, you aren’t. I find you attractive anyway, especially when you’re wearing your new jacket. You look hot in that.

I know your heart is a little bruised but don’t let that stop you sharing it with others. It’s ok to be selective and cautious but don’t let those you love mistake that for disinterested. That will hurt them which will hurt you and then I will be hurt as well. I know you really don’t like hurting people so stop doing this. Perhaps you feel my heart beating the way I feel yours? The love you have to give is so powerful, it just needs to be directed in the right place. Try and start by loving me the way I love you.

Don’t underestimate the power of your sense of humour. Very few people have the ability to make people smile in the way that you can. You can make people feel better, even if it’s just for a moment. I think it’s probably the thing that I love most about you. A life with you means laughter, even if it’s just at your continued inability to master the slow cooker.

I remember being with you when you were a very young boy standing in the playground, crippled with shyness and unable to take the step needed to play with the other children even though you wanted to more than anything. I have watched the way this shyness has blighted every aspect of your life and prevented others from knowing, and loving, you the way I do. The pride I feel when I see you standing in-front of a room full of people and helping them learn and develop is almost too much to bare. I know what it’s taken for you to be able to do that and I couldn’t love you more for it. When you make those same people laugh or just simply engage a new person in conversation over a coffee my heart beats a little faster. Some people don’t see or understand the courage it takes for you to do these things but I do. You are amazing.

Don’t get too carried away with my words in this letter. You are not perfect by any means. Anyone who knows you also gets that. There are things you need to work on but you should do this for you and your children, nobody else. I will love you anyway, there are no conditions to this. I’ll be there when you fall because there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. We will be together forever and that makes me the luckiest person in the world.

All of my love for all of my life.

Phill XXX

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16 thoughts on “A love letter to myself…

  1. God you know how to make a woman cry … in a good way!! That’s fabulous now you must keep believing those words everyday because they are all true! ❤️

    1. Ha, I’ve certainly made the odd woman cry (shout anyway). It’s why I’ll be sitting in front of the television tonight instead of eating chocolate and drinking wine with a loved one. I’ll work on believing the words though. Somewhere inside I know them to be true. Thanks Georgina X

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