Toast is probably the greatest food ever invented. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that, along with Sky Q, the left handed tin opener and suitcases with wheels, it’s one of the greatest inventions ever.
Perfect with just some evenly spread butter or as an accompaniment for cheese, boiled eggs or Heinz baked beans it’s an all rounder that can be enjoyed at all times of the day. Jam is acceptable if it’s the weekend but treacle belongs in a sponge, marmalade is something of a joke, honey is for bears and lemon curd is an enemy of the state.
Two slices of white bread (brown bread, particularly the kind with seeds in it, is only for the birds in my garden or the deranged). Anymore than two slices and you will be expected to pay for two seats on an Aeroplane, whether you’re intending to travel on one or not.
Image: Not acceptable for Toast
Butter (spreadable butter is allowed if you’re left handed but margarine should be left on the shelves in the Supermarket after you’ve given it a stern look of contempt).
A sprinkle of love and a dose of dazzle.
One Toaster (only use a grill if melted cheese is to be added or you’re trying to show off to someone you have a crush on).
One knife (under no circumstances should the knife have a plastic white handle as these remind me of school dinners at primary school).
Image: Knife of childhood nightmares.
One breadboard (optional but handy in case someone comes in the kitchen, mid preparation, and catches you cutting the toast directly on to the kitchen worktops).
One music player (the perfect mood needs to be created to make the perfect toast).
Start by ensuring you are appropriately dressed for cooking at a professional level. Pyjamas are acceptable but dungarees are not. Probably best to avoid wearing roller blades as well…
If you have a killer cat remove it from the kitchen before it takes advantage of you being distracted and murders you in cold blood.
Next get yourself into the zone. I recommend some heavy breathing exercises (skip the heavy breathing if using the grill method and attempting to woo your crush of the moment) plus four star jumps. Once this has been done download a photograph of Gordon Ramsey, call him a c*nt, and growl menacingly.
Turn the music on. For best results pre prepare a playlist which should include:
1. Bread of Heaven by any Welsh choir (apart from Pontypridd for reasons I can’t go into due to the confidentiality agreement I signed after the court case).
2. Toast of the Town by Motley Crew (Note: no, you don’t have time to quickly watch the porn clip of Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson mid preparation. It’s rubbish anyway. Apparently…
3. Milk and Toast and Honey by Roxette (Note: Joyride is a better song but not relevant for Toast making).
Carefully insert the bread into the toaster. Make sure to stand staring at it throughout and stop and start numerous times even if you are completely confident you have it on the perfect setting.
Image: Toaster once owned by Queen Victoria.
If your toaster is from the olden days, like mine, it will be too small for the bread so you will have to turn it round mid toasting. Annoying though this is it’s not nearly as irritating as eating something that’s ninety percent toast and ten percent bread. You wouldn’t eat an uncooked deep fried mars bar so don’t do this either. You could obviously also buy a new Toaster but I’m unemployed so need all my spare money for cigarettes, gambling on the horses and bus fare to the job centre.
Once the toast has popped up, take a moment to have a satisfying sigh to yourself. Life may be hard sometimes but Toast always makes things better. Apart from when it doesn’t.
Spread the butter. Not too much, not too little. Think foreplay prior to the main event 😳. Note: I do appreciate that the definition of what constitutes ‘not too much, not too little’ may differ dependant on whether you’re Male or Female!
Once buttered be careful not to drop it as it is guaranteed to fall butter side down because life is shit like that.
Cut the Toast in half (see pictures for what’s acceptable and what’s unacceptable).
Image: Unacceptable unless you are in a Cafe or if you’ve done it as a cry for help.
Image: Unacceptable unless you are making Toast for a three year old or a crocodile.
Image: The only acceptable way of cutting Toast.
Find yourself a nice spot to sit and eat your Toast in peace. Under no circumstances give anyone else a bite. You’ve earned every crumb of this.
Image: Toast being eaten here, not by Brad Pitt as you may of initially thought, but by a three year old crocodile.