Dear Blog…

Dear Blog,

Blog I can’t believe it’s only been a little over three months since we met. You’ve become one of my closest friends in such a short space of time. In fact, I’ve probably spent more time with you this year than I have anyone else.

You are my friend, but I can’t call you my confidant Blog as you don’t keep the secrets I tell you to yourself. That’s ok though, you share with my blessing, as you are my bridge for communicating thoughts, ideas and feelings to people. I want to share things with others, but struggle to in the conventional way that involves actual talking, so you provide me with an essential service.

I like that you’ve taken my name as part of your title. Phill Slater Blog has a nice ring to it. If I ever do anything really bad, people will find it harder to look me up on an Internet search due to all the space you’ve already taken. Hopefully whatever misdemeanour I’ve committed will be relegated to page six of the search and all but the hardiest of souls will have given up before they get to it.

It is possible, I suppose, that said misdemeanour involves murdering you or the two of us indulging in some sexual encounter in one of those niche clubs those with a fetish for Blogs attend (allegedly). If this happens we’d probably end up trending on social media in a way that will finish the myth that ‘all publicity is good publicity’ for ever.

I suggest we try to avoid either of these sets of circumstances. We should probably aim not to have a child as well as I suspect the birth of a half man/half blog baby will be big news in some less enlightened parts; e.g. Earth.

As I’ve learned more about the ancient art of Blogging I’ve realised that the most proficient exponents don’t use their own name. Instead they come up with some clever title for their Blog which combines what they’re writing about with some aspect of their personality. It’s too late for us to change your name now but, just think dear Blog, you could be called any of the following:

  • The thinking woman’s crumpet (doesn’t actually align to the naming rules but I’ve always wanted to be called that).
  • The erotic depressive.
  • One man and his Blog.
  • Blog nowhere near the Tyne.
  • Chick magnet (see the comment in brackets for the first suggested name in the list).

You’ve already changed your looks and the way someone navigates around you, in order to get the best experience, a few times during our short relationship. This reminds me of most of my ex girlfriends so it doesn’t phase me. One day we’ll get you just how we want you and you’ll probably leave me for a YouTube channel with a sexy smile. Such is life.

I think you and I are desperate to be loved which is why we work so hard creating content and promoting it to potential readers. We both see a fully signed up subscriber as our holy grail and we have genuine affection for those who have made the effort to do this. More are required though. We will not stop until we have at least ten.

It hurts both of us when we aren’t liked, are ridiculed or experience outright disdain for our efforts. I know this is part of the territory, so we will work on getting used to it, rather than letting it beat us. Together we are strong my dear friend Blog.

We should be proud of some of what we’ve created together. I think we’ve made people laugh, cry, think and feel less alone. There is a place in this world for you Blog and you help me feel more useful in the place I call my own. There is more to be done though. We’re not finished.

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I seem to have become more attractive (more interesting anyway) to women since our relationship began. I’m pretty sure it’s you they like more than me but, after forty five years of failure with the opposite sex, I quite like the attention. We just need to find a way to get ourselves noticed by the actress who played Lara in Doctor Who or any of Girls Aloud and we’ll be happy as a Blog in fog.

A lot of my other friends don’t like you Blog. I think they’re a little jealous of how close we’ve become. They’ve no need to worry, I still love all of them more than they will ever know. Be careful not to stare at some of them in a bar though Blog. They’ll punch your electronic lights out.

You are the executor of my truth. It’s still early days but I’ve already given you a lot. There’s a lot more to come though. Perhaps there is still a truth neither of us yet fully understand. I need to find the courage to share it. You need to attract people to come and read it. We need to be prepared for the consequences it will bring. I know we are committed to using it for positive reasons but there is very likely to be a heavy price.

I’m taking you away on holiday next week. Hopefully we will write some words together in the sunshine. Maybe some people might even read them and share so that others do as well. That really is the point after all.

Love and friendship.

Phill

Links to other letters in this category of post:

Dear People….

Dear Depression…

Dear Dad…

A love letter to myself…

A letter to Max…

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