Secrets never to be told…

Secrets and lies. It was a little cool yesterday evening so I did what any normal person would do when left alone in a place of residence owned by someone else. I had a good old rummage through their things.

To my surprise it seems the owner is a retired, high ranking, secret service agent. Carelessly he’s left documents here that are so confidential the secrets and lies contained within them would, quite literally, rewrite history.

As nobody reads my Blog apart from my family, who only really look at the pictures due to their illiteracy, it seems safe to record what I’ve found out here. If you are reading this then it’s important for national security that you take these secrets and lies with you to your grave. Obviously once you’ve shared this post with your network so I can get more likes, comments and followers etc..

Here goes, hold on to your hats. If you’re not wearing a hat I suggest you hold off reading until you are. Hats are mandatory even if you look ridiculous in them.

1. The first person on the moon was actually Marilyn Monroe.

Poor Marilyn was duped into attempting the first moon landing by her, then lover, and President of the United States, JFK. He wanted her out of the picture so he could make a move on Raquel Welch so, In cahoots with one of the Hollywood studio chiefs, they dreamed up their dastardly plan.

The idea was to convince Marilyn that she was to star in a new movie called; ‘Over the Moon’ and that, as part of the publicity campaign, she would be unveiled in a live television broadcast as having landed on the Moon. In reality, there was no movie and the trip was only ever meant to be ‘one way’.

Once she’d been blasted off the public was fed the news that she’d taken her own life and her legend was really born.

History tells us that the first man on the moon was Neil Armstrong. That mission was, in fact, a rescue voyage with the aim of bringing Marilyn home. When they got there she declared herself ‘perfectly happy where she was thanks very much’. She’d opened a cream cheese stall and had married Mr. Spoon who’d landed their a few years after she did (google it if you’re not British and over 35).

JFK never managed to get together with Raquel Welch. Of course the world knows he was gunned down on a fateful day in Dallas but not by Lee Harvey Oswald as we’ve been led to believe. The killer, according to another document I’ve seen was actually Elvis Presley. Apparently Elvis had never forgiven the President for spilling red wine on his best blue suede shoes at a party a few years earlier and had sworn that he would one day turn the whole of America into a Heartbreak Hotel and that he did.

2. Jack the Ripper was Florence Nightingale.

Jack the Ripper, for those that don’t know, was a serial killer that brought terror to the streets of East London in the late nineteenth century. He was never caught, perhaps because the authorities had always assumed they were looking for a man. How very wrong they were.

Florence Nightingale was the nurse we know her to have been. She performed heroics during the Crimean War and, although some her achievements, were likely exaggerated in the media she has as much claim as any to the title of ‘the founder of modern nursing’.

She had a dark secret side though did Florence. On her days off from being a nurse she liked nothing better than to murder and mutilate the women of East London. Many will have learned that she was sometimes known as the ‘lady with the lamp’ as she carried it with her when treating injured soldiers in the Crimea. According to the documents I’ve seen, this lamp was also used to bash her victims around the head before she got on with the task of murdering and mutilating.

Although the authorities seemingly knew about her extra curricular activities they chose not to arrest her as, in these early days of modern nursing, she was the only one who knew how to tie a sling knot.

3. The end of the world was almost nigh.

It seems we owe our continued life aboard Mother Earth to Uranus, Planet Uranus that is.

The incident that almost resulted in the end of the world as we know it happened at a quiz night in the, now defunct, Wakefield branch of Planet Hollywood.

As was their habit, Earth, Mars, Jupiter and Uranus had entered the quiz using the team name; ‘Universal Soldiers’. Their usual fifth member of the team, Saturn, was absent as the others had forgotten to give her a ring.

Mars and Jupiter are very competitive. They love to let all around them know that one is the ‘biggest’ and the other is the ‘hottest’. In her time Mother Earth has had both of them but she keeps her own council as to which was better in the sack.

Every week there was apparently a disagreement around an answer they should record to a particular question. Usually there’s just a lot of hot air and posturing but on this fateful evening everything got out of hand. The question was; name the only UK no.1 by the band Hanson? Everyone, including Jupiter, Earth and Uranus knew the answer to be ‘MMMBop’ but Mars was, according to the documents, convinced the correct response should be; ‘Girl from Mars’.

Despite the majority of the team thinking one answer was correct, Mars refused to let it go and a huge argument between Mars and Jupiter developed. At some point a glass was thrown in the direction of Jupiter but he ducked and it hit Mother Earth, somewhere around the Great Wall of China essential artery and a great deal of blood was spilled.

Apparently Mother Earth would have bled to death on the carpet of one of Wakefield’s premier nightspots, after Wrenthorpe Club obviously, but, fortunately, Uranus had recently completed a first aid course at work so was able to use his training to stem the flow of blood until the emergency services, led by Dr. Flash Gordon, arrived.

Mother Earth survived and was convinced not to press charges by her close friends; the Sun, the Moon and the Stars. All signed a non disclosure document and Jupiter paid Mother Earth compensation by agreeing to take the country of France of her hands for the foreseeable.

4. Hitler’s moustache wasn’t real.

Many people played their part in defeating the evils of Nazism during the Second World War and most have been recognised for their bravery in one way or another since.

There is one person’s contribution to the war effort that remains classified though and that is the work done by the British Spy who sneaked into Hitlers’ quarters one evening in 1941, shaved off his moustache as he slept and then took its place adorning the Fuhrer’s top lip.

From this position he was party to all of the Nazi high commands decision making and planning so was able to share some of their top military secrets with British intelligence. In doing so he helped end the war prematurely and probably saved millions of lives.

He also helped with keeping Eva Braun satisfied if you know what I mean.

The contribution this unsung hero made has remained one of our biggest secrets because this particular agent remained in active duty for many years after the war ended.

Our homegrown master of disguise was able to replace Mikhail Gorbachev’s birth mark, Saddam Hussain’s left eyebrow and, most recently, Osama Bin Laden’s crooked staff (not the one he used to help navigate the rough terrain in Afghanistan 😳).

5. Not all Dinosaurs are extinct.

Although there are several different theories as to what brought about the demise of the dinosaurs, there is a common understanding that they are now extinct.

Perhaps the most interesting revelation I’ve seen in the documents left in this Villa is that this is not the case and that the authorities have long known this.

Dinosaurs walk among us. Not the kind we learned about at school from the carefully managed propaganda materials. The dinosaurs still inhabiting the planet are much closer to their homo sapien cousins than we’ve previously known.

The Oldmanasaurus is perhaps the most common still in existence. These are distinguishable from similar human old men by their inherent racism and support for things like Brexit and Donald Trump.

It was interesting to read about the Chavasaurus. This is the one species of dinosaur, still in existence which is actually on the increase. Originally they could only be found in the Essex area of the UK but they are breeding and spreading across the world. The authorities have attempted to curtail this growth by placing their natural habitat, Toys R Us, in administration so that they have less places to gather and procreate.

There is also a Phillasaurus. Thankfully there’s only one of him left in existence and it won’t be long before he’s in some form of captivity where he belongs.

Although these were the most compelling of the secrets I uncovered, there were others you should be aware of:

  • Apparently Old MacDonald wasn’t a farmer at all. He was in fact a raincoat manufacturer from Runcorn.
  • Margaret Thatcher was actually a nice old lady who ran a sweet shop in Stockholm. The one that was Prime Minister of the UK was a robot being controlled by President Reagan from the White House.
  • Oranges really are the only fruit. Everything else is a vegetable. We’re just told they’re fruit so we’ll eat more.
  • The Beatles wasn’t spelt with an ‘a’ as some clever musical reference. It was just spelt incorrectly but nobody noticed until they’d had loads of merchandise printed.
  • Leeds United Football Club is a government sponsored social experiment designed to explore whether morons can be made to believe everything they’re told and to follow something blindly even though it’s a pointless waste of time.

8 thoughts on “Secrets never to be told…

  1. I really like how your personality shines through in your writing. It’s very engaging and never dull. Great job.

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