Apparently the public ‘spoke’ and the United Kingdom left the European Union at 11pm on 29th March 2019. Brexit actually happened!
In the intervening period between then and now a lot has happened. Some of it was predicted pre Brexit, some of it wasn’t.
As I sit at home writing this, a little glance at my watch tells me, it is a little after 11pm on the 29th March 2024.
Of course pre Brexit it would be an hour later but we did away with the clocks moving forwards and backwards in our first year out of the EU.
It was done to appease all those who’d always refused to alter their timepieces during their annual trips to Benidorm or Torremolinos. Obviously most of them are now dead but the change holds.
Many of those that wanted to stay part of the EU at the time of the referendum, but were too young to vote, have asked for the time changes to be returned to how they were pre Brexit. They weren’t listened to then and they jolly well won’t be listened to now, future of the country or not.
Anyway, for those who weren’t executed for their opposition to Brexit but were incarcerated with no access to any information from the outside world, here is a brief summary of what you have missed.
One change that will probably come as a surprise to nobody is the marriage of Boris Johnson and Theresa May. It was long an open secret in the halls of Westminister that the two were in love and their public opposition to each other was merely a ruse designed to throw tabloid journalists off the scent.
Their wedding was a grand affair with Theresa May’s ex husband acting as best man to Boris and his ex wife performing matron of honour duties for the bride. A lovely day was had by all once a small pro EU demonstration was dealt with using the now familiar tactic of gunning down all those unhappy with the way Brexit has turned out.
Jeremy Corbyn who, you will remember, was leader of the Opposition during the Brexit negotiations now lives happily in Brussels pretending he was a pro European all along. Nobody really believes him but he’s such a nice man they let it pass.
Other significant players in the Brexit movement have not fared so well. Michael Gove is now a bus driver in Chippenham.
Ironically the bus he ferries his passengers around on is the very one used to peddle the, now infamous, ‘£350m extra per week to the NHS’ lie to naïve voters. Oh what fun he has when passengers get on his bus and request the cost of a journey to wherever. When he tells them and they respond with a hilarious; “Are you sure it’s not £350m?” he smiles but silently curses the day he allowed Boris Johnson to make him agree to what was clearly nonsense.
David Davis, the governments chief negotiator during the lengthy Brexit process is now homeless and living in a dustbin in the grounds of the home of his opposite number in the EU.
Very occasionally Michel Barnier throws David a scrap of something that makes him think everything will turn out ok in the end even though it clearly won’t. Does this remind you of anything?
Nicola Sturgeon reprised her alter ego, Jimmy Crankie, and has returned to making absolutely nobody laugh at seaside venues throughout the country.
So what of the issues the Brexit campaign was supposedly about?
Immigration remains as big an issue as ever. As expected anyone that couldn’t trace their UK family tree back, at least five hundred years, were disposed of. They were rounded up and made to walk the plank off the White Cliffs of Dover into the English Channel where they all drowned.
The problem was that those left couldn’t find enough people to hate and were therefore lost as to what to talk about in the pubs and supermarkets. After a while they decided that the new enemy were people not born in the City or Town they were living in.
These days if you’re a Scot living in London or someone from Brighton working in Manchester then you’re seen as no better than pre Brexit Poles, Romanians, Pakistanis etc.
Unofficial borders have been set up and papers must be shown to gain entry and exit from all our major Cities.
Recently Liverpool, who incidentally voted to ‘remain’ during the original referendum, have declared their intention to hold a vote of their own to give its inhabitants a say on whether the City should leave the United Kingdom.
Given that this particular place has been treated appallingly by successive governments for many years nobody will be surprised if they decide to set up an independent Scouse nation.
Our National Health Service is much changed. As referenced earlier the extra £350 million per week promised by the ‘leave’ campaign was a big fat lie. As a result of changes to immigration policy and, perhaps more telling, an increased resentment towards foreigners, there are even fewer qualified healthcare professionals available to plug an ever increasing shortage in staff numbers.
At first those in charge, yes it’s still Jeremy ‘Massive’ Hunt, laughed off the issue by claiming we would ‘grow our own’.
It took about five minutes for this plan to be scuppered when it was pointed out that a lack of investment in education, and in young people as a whole, meant that, as a nation, we no longer had enough people bright enough, empathetic enough or ambitious enough to provide what the NHS needs.
A couple of years ago a few brave souls took to the streets to point out that our current education, immigration and health policies were combining to fail the NHS. They were set upon by a pack of dogs and soon put back in their EU flag coloured boxes.
It’s not been all bad though. As a nation we are now able to negotiate our own trade deals. There was a great fanfare of celebration recently when our only remaining licensed (The term ‘free press’ is now against the law to use) newspaper, The Daily Mail, announced that we had reached a deal with El Salvador where we would sell them one hundred bars of Kendal mint cake and buy three goats and an old woman in return.
As the biggest trade deal we’ve achieved to date the Daily Mail ran with a typically bombastic headline;
“Take that you Remoaner Traitors. The UK is back at the sixth from the top table”.
Brexit has also been good for all those born in the UK who grew up dreaming of careers as fruit pickers, chamber maids and mobile car wash workers. When I say good, what I mean is that it would be if all those types of businesses hadn’t gone bust because of the higher wages UK born employees demanded for doing less work.
There had been some concern that we would no longer be able to travel freely and enjoy our two weeks in sunnier climes every summer. This has proven to be nonsense, we can still travel abroad as long as we’re millionaires several times over.
Our Sports team have been on the up and up as well. The UK is UK champion at every sport it plays. Obviously we only now play ourselves as its too expensive to travel and we’re too scared foreigners will murder us if we allow them on our soil but, apparently, that’s not the point.
We’ve also rid ourselves of Meghan Markle and Roy Keane but that’s a whole other story.
I’d finish by saying; ‘and all that remains..’ but the word ‘remain’ is now punishable by death so, instead, I’ll go with; all that’s left to say is….
Well fucking done!
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