Too busy to blog…
I’ve finally managed to take a little time off to update my readers on my whereabouts these past five weeks or so.
It’s been a busy time but I feel I’ve made a difference, added value and moved things forward.
1. Got the two pieces of Atom back together.
Despite denials from both sides, since they were split in 1917, that they didn’t want to get back together, it was obvious to me that they were meant for each other. It’s been a rocky road but they love each other very much. I’m so confident that they will be together for keeps now that I’ve ordered a hat for what, I’m sure, will be the wedding to end all weddings.
2. Filled in for Elvis at the chip shop he works at in Rochdale while he was in court suing my sister’s cat for stealing his name.
I enjoyed the few shifts I did for my old jamming partner Elvis. It was nice getting to know his customers as I served them their side order of curry sauce. There was that one incident when one asked to see my saveloy before they decided on their order. How was I to know a saveloy is a type of sausage! Fortunately a jury of my peers accepted my explanation.
3. Found Shergar and returned him to his owners.
For those that don’t know, Shergar was a Derby winning Racehorse that was kidnapped in the 1980’s and never seen again.
Finding him again was a stroke of luck. I’d visited Blackpool and, as is my habit, gone to the beach for a ride on the Donkeys. Whilst aboard, and even allowing for my superior horsemanship skills, my steed was much faster than the others who were made to look like Donkeys as we raced along the sands.
I was fairly sure of the value of the beast between my legs and that I was riding Shergar. This was confirmed when I asked him if he was Shergar and he didn’t reply with a neigh.
4. Had a brief affair with Juliet while Romeo was in prison for stalking and noise pollution.
If I’m completely honest Juliet wasn’t really my type. I could never get past the minor detail that she was a fictional character who never actually existed. It was nice while it lasted though. We used to stay up late talking about anything and everything. She was a good kisser as well, even if she tasted a bit like the back of my hand.
5. Circumnavigated the globe wearing only a determined look on my face.
Learnt a lot during this expedition. Apparently attitudes towards naked adventurers differ depending on where you are in the world. I was fine when I set off from my garden but as soon as I got out into the street I was arrested and charged with something called ‘indecency in a public place’. It was only when I pointed out the determined look on my face that I was allowed to carry on with my journey.
6. Joined a Cult.
Don’t make the mistake I did and get taken in by this bunch of charlatans. The Human Race is the biggest cult on earth and makes promises it has no intention of keeping just to get your continued membership. I raised my concerns with their head honcho, Noel Edmonds, and he assured me that he would deliver me from evil and lead me not into temptation. I’m still waiting, it’s no wonder I spend most of my weekends snorting cocaine off the devils toilet seat with these con artists supposedly supporting me.
7. Wrote a four lined sonnet.
My heart is full of desire
And a burning love of spam
When I finally retire
I’ll marry my beloved tinned Ham
8. Made a deal with the EU over Brexit.
I managed to avoid the catastrophe that would be a ‘no deal’ with the EU by entering into literally seconds of tough negotiations with their leadership team. It gives me a lot of pleasure to announce that we now have a deal that I believe will work for both sides. I did have to meet all their demands and give up all the UK’s but I do have an absolute commitment that Benidorm will retain the mechanical bulls they have in several bars so I can ride them whilst drunk.
I did loads of other things as well but none of them are true.