Apparently you’re dead and have been since 1977. For some reason I was left out of the loop when news of your demise was circulated so have been bouncing along these last forty one years with the belief that you were still with us.
I only found out the heartbreaking truth by accident when I visited the chip shop you worked in during breaks from being the king of rock and roll. While I was waiting for a fresh batch of curry sauce to be made I happened to ask after you and was informed you had shuffled off this mortal coil. As I’m sure you can imagine I was devastated. Even a complementary pickled egg did little to raise my spirits.
To be honest it’s not the first time I’ve been the last to know big news such as this. I was approaching my fortieth birthday before I finally learned that the earth isn’t flat and, just the other week, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that we are no longer at war with Germany.
You may be brown bread but your music is far from being toast. It lives on and I will play it until the day I join you in rock star heaven. I love all your back catalogue of songs but, if pressed, I’d say my favourite is ‘I’ve got a brand new combine harvester’. When you deliver the line ‘…and I’ll give you the key’ I feel as though you’re singing directly to me. A few years ago I passed my combine harvester driving proficiency test just in case.
I suppose I should sign off now. Given you’re dead I’m not sure where I should send this letter. I do know your manager is the same guy that runs those Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants so I’ll probably pop into one of those and ask him while I sample a chicken zinger combo with a corn on the cob side order. Not many people know this but if you talk to his picture on the side of one of their drink cartons he actually hears you. Unless you order a Sprite that is. His loyalty to 7Up means you will be met with a wall of silence if you try and speak to him through a Sprite drinks carton.
If you get a moment up there in heaven could you ask God what her opinion of putting pineapple on a pizza is? I’ve always wondered about that. I know the Pope is in the pro camp but the Dalai Lama is firmly against so it’ll be good to get a steer from a higher power. No rush though, I’ll be busy the next few weeks anyway getting ready for my impending nuptials with Marilyn Monroe.
Rest in peace.