The Consultation Period…

Consultation…

Dear Mr. G. Reaper,

As you know, we regularly review the resourcing requirements of our organisation to ensure we are able to best meet the needs of our customers as we move forward.

With this in mind I regret to inform you that your role has been placed at risk of redundancy. Although no final decision has yet been made, the organisation will now enter a period of consultation with you. This period will last thirty days and will be used to examine all available alternatives to making you redundant.

If, at the end of the consultation period, your provisional redundancy is confirmed, and you are not offered, or do not take up, an alternative position within the organisation you will be entitled to a payment which reflects the length of service you have given.

I appreciate this will be a difficult time for you but, in line with the values of the organisation, I know you will continue to carry out your duties professionally and with a high degree of integrity.

Should you have any questions and/or queries please do not hesitate to contact me directly.

Kind regards.

The Grim Reapers Line Manager

Dear Line Manager,

In response to your letter informing me that my role as Grim Reaper is being considered for redundancy I have a number of questions that I would appreciate a prompt response to:

  • Will I be able to keep my scythe?
  • As I’ve been with the organisation for several thousand years will I be entitled to an enhanced payment in recognition of my loyalty?
  • If I’m getting made redundant at the end of the consultation, how will those that need reapering get reapered in the future?
  • Is this because I let Donald Trump live despite being told to reaper the bejeezus out of him?
  • Is this because you’re afraid I was about to reaper you? (I wasn’t, despite your wife asking me to).

Yours in anticipation of your answers.

G. Reaper

Dear Mr G. Reaper,

Thanks for your recent letter which included a number of questions. Please find my detailed answers below:

  • Will I be able to keep my scythe?

Unfortunately your scythe will need to remain the property of the organisation. Should your consultation period end in redundancy then the scythe will need to be returned along with your laptop, company car and menacing stare.

  • As I’ve been with the organisation for several thousand years will I be entitled to an enhanced payment in recognition of my loyalty?

I’ve had a conversation about this with our Chief Executive Officer and we are in full agreement. As you know we measure performance in two ways:

  1. What you achieve.
  2. How you achieve it.

Although we’ve no complaints with the ‘what’, you’re an excellent reaper, it’s the ‘how’ that’s always been your problem. To be perfectly honest we’d rather you carried out your work in a slightly cheerier manner. Being ‘Grim’ might have worked well during the Middle Ages but those days are long gone. Personally I’d have liked to rename your position the ‘Happy Reaper’ but we left as was in the hope you’d change your ways eventually.

  • If I’m getting made redundant, how will those that need reapering get reapered in the future?

Our recent advances in technology mean we may no longer have to send someone in person to lead a customer to their death. In future we’ll probably just WhatsApp them or send a Snapchat. We know that most of them will then update their Facebook or Instagram as they will be eager to see how many ‘likes’ their impending death gets. Like it or not, it’s the modern way.

  • Is this because I let Donald Trump live despite being told to reaper the bejeezus out of him?

I won’t comment on individual cases, as part of this process, but your judgment has been called into question more than once in recent years. As well as allowing the likes of Donald Trump, Piers Morgan and the inventor of Smash potato to live against the orders of the organisation, you also killed off John Lennon, Ned Stark and Pickled Onion Monster Munch way too soon (obviously we’ve been able to bring the Monster Munch back but that’s hardly the point).

  • Is this because you’re afraid I was about to reaper you? (I wasn’t, despite your wife asking me to).

How do you know my wife?

Regards.

The Grim Reapers Line Manager

Dear Line Manager,

You need to stop hiding behind a ‘consultation process’ and admit that you just want to get rid of me. I know where this is all leading so it’s time I told you some home truths:

  • You’re not God (although you might be, that’s never been completely clear to me).
  • You’re not the Devil (although you might be, that’s never been completely clear to me).
  • The way you suck up to the CEO is embarrassing. She doesn’t even like you. We spent a good half an hour at the last Organisation Christmas Party ridiculing your ridiculously tidy desk and ‘novelty’ ties. I very much doubt you spoke to her about my payoff as you are scared to look her in the eye, never mind talk about money.
  • Stick your technology where the sun doesn’t shine. If anybody can introduce the reapering departments equivalent of a Betamax video recorder it’s you.
  • In reference to my record then none of us are mistake free. Need I remind you of your support for Genghis Khan when it was clear to all that he was a scoundrel of the highest order.
  • I bought that scythe with my own money. This cheapskate organisation expected me to do my job with a coat hanger so I had to sort myself out.

Yours.

G.

p.s. A better question would be ‘How don’t I know your wife?’

Mr G. Reaper,

Your insubordination cannot be tolerated. It’s one thing to indulge in deviant acts with my wife (yes, she’s told me everything) but it’s quite another to be openly critical of my choice of neckwear. I consider my ties to be a big part of my personality and you mocking them has upset me greatly.

In my opinion, whatever the end result of your consultation period, we will no longer be able to work together with the joint aim of bringing misery to millions.

As a gesture of goodwill, and to show that I am the bigger man, I will allow you to keep the handle (not the blade) of your scythe. Perhaps you’ll do us all a favour and reaper yourself over the head with it.

Yours.

No longer the Grim Reapers Line Manager and glad about it.

Dear Dipstick,

F*ck you and your crappy job. I’ve already got something else lined up,that will continue my talents for bringing misery to millions, once this farce of a consultation period is complete. I’m the UK Governments new Brexit negotiator.

I’d like to say it’s been nice working with you but, to quote your wife “He’s a giant penis with a tiny penis”. Not especially relevant but then neither are you.

G.

p.s. I’ll be coming, I’ll be coming, I’ll be coming down the road. Your time is soon.

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14 thoughts on “The Consultation Period…

  1. Beautiful.post..full.of genuine humour and conveys actually what must be going through domeoness mind when they face such a situation..
    Regards

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