Letter of resignation,,,
Dear European Union,
Please accept this letter of resignation as confirmation of the United Kingdom’s intention to leave the European Union.
As you know our former Prime Minister promised a referendum as part of a general election campaign and the ‘people’ voted to leave.
Obviously he was convinced that the result of the vote would be strongly in favour of remaining within the EU but we all get things wrong sometimes.
Luckily he’s got a few quid so having to resign his position shouldn’t see him having to visit one of the many food banks we now have in the UK any time soon.
He probably won’t need to take advantage of the incoming Universal Credit benefit system either which is also a stroke of good fortune as, once this is in place, the queues at the food banks will increase tenfold. I’m well aware that he has a Butler for all queuing shaped duties but that’s hardly the point.
Be warned that our new Prime Minister has a reputation as a tough negotiator so don’t think you’ll be able to pull our proverbial pants down over the terms of our exit. She’s also an excellent dancer so don’t think your European disco dancing moves will save you now.
Apparently you need us far more than we need you so be prepared for a right royal pasting once our separation talks commence.
It’s not really my place to state our ‘red lines’ in this letter of resignation but, let’s just say, it might be a good idea to start dismantling the Eiffel Tower ready for its move to a new home in Runcorn. It’ll provide wonderful shelter for our ever increasing homeless community and a good place for the local drug dealers to observe police activity in the area which might impact their business (not that there’ll be much police activity, austerity measures and all that..).
I’d be surprised if we didn’t also demand all future royalties to the song, ‘Joe le Taxi’ and a public apologies from Mayors of Benidorm and Magaluf for inflicting alcohol poisoning on many of the UK’s ‘finest’ these past few decades.
These demands, though, are for another day. All you need to know for now is that we’re leaving, loads of foreign types will be sent your way and our NHS is going to be minted.
We know all this because a man called Boris, backed up by a poster on a red bus, told us so. He’s another one with a few quid as well but I’m sure he’s acting only in the best interests of the British people and not solely aligned to his own professional ambitions. According to his wife he’s a man of the highest moral fibre so that’s good enough for me.
Anyway, that’s you EU scoundrels well and truly told. Try not to cry into your piles of unnecessary red tape upon receipt of this letter.
We still want to maintain a healthy friendship after our exit and would like to propose an annual game of Rounders (a bit like Baseball) between the UK and those remaining in the EU.
The UK will host the first one, probably somewhere in Northern Ireland. I’ll certainly look forward to that as long as I don’t have to field in the backstop position. I hate backstops.
Yours out not in and definitely not neither out nor in.
(Secretary of State for Brexit with no intention of resigning however bad the lunches served at Chequers are)
p.s. When we say we’re leaving we obviously mean…………
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