The Puppy Diaries.
Saturday 3rd November, 2018.
An outrageous turn of events today. I appear to have moved house. There I was scrummaging about with my brother and sister when some unfamiliar humans turned up and starting making weird noises in my direction. Before I knew it I was being locked in a box with a handle and transported to what appears to be my new residence.
The place is a sh*t hole. It isn’t really, it’s actually quite nice, but it will be a sh*t hole by the time I’ve finished. I started as I mean to go on by taking a dump on the living room carpet and chewing the fancy curtain contraption they obviously think makes them a member of the middle classes.
Once I’d done that I retired to the lap of one of the smaller humans for a snooze. This part of my day wasn’t terrible but everything else was a disgrace.
Sunday 4th November, 2018.
What the deuce! How far have I fallen! I can barely bring myself to write the words. Not only have I been torn from the bosom of my dog family, I’m cohabiting with a cat.
The feline f*ckwit is called Scraps. As per my pedigree I made my feelings on the matter clear to him as soon as I realised we’d be sharing living quarters. I reminded him that, as a canine, I was well above his species in the natural order of things and he’d do well to remember that. His response was to bash me over the head, several times, with his left paw and then drink from my water dish. Clearly this cat is mentally deranged and will need to be chased back up whatever tree he came down from as soon as I get a bit bigger.
Monday 5th November, 2018.
I’ve finally been given a name. After much debate it came down to a straight choice between Buddy and Dexter. I cast my vote vociferously for Dexter but was overruled so I’ll be known as Buddy from here on in. I suppose it could have been worse, the long haired human wanted to call me Barnaby.
The cat thought this turn of events was hilarious so I chased him around for a bit. I suspect he was just toying with me, as he made no attempt to climb anything to get away, but it did make me feel better. I also peed on the carpet which helped improve my spirits no end.
Tuesday 6th November, 2018.
Today was better. The humans have put something called; ‘Puppy Pads’ down in the kitchen.
Apparently they’re supposed to help me learn where to go to the toilet. Obviously I already know this, what am I six weeks old! but I’ve worked out that I get a tasty treat and a tickle on my stomach for even the smallest pee in the right place.
As humans are inherently dopey they’ve not yet cottoned on to me doing a tiny pee on the pad, obtaining my rewards, and then sauntering through to the living room to make a giant mess on the carpet.
I’ve done this at least half a dozen times now and they still appear to be non the wiser. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, none of them can get the conundrum on Countdown, even though it’s made up of a mere nine letters. As for the numbers game! I’ve see brighter kittens.
Wednesday 7th November, 2018.
Sat with the small humans today and watched some television. They let me lie next to them on the sofa which the older one that doesn’t seem to have a proper job never does. It’s possible he’s one of those Sofa Nazis who think comfortable seating is only for humans. If this turns out to be true I’ll eat his slippers.
We watched cartoons. Scooby Doo and then Top Cat. Clearly society is severely messed up if it thinks portraying a dog as a lumbering oaf and a cat as having street smarts is in anyway a good example for our young. I did like that Scooby was kind to the ginger one though, I’ve got a bit of ginger in me so I’m no stranger to discrimination against the copper coloured community.
Thursday 8th November, 2018.
I went outside today. S*hit all over the garden, ate some plants, chased a bird or five and then went back inside again. A thoroughly enjoyable day.
Friday 9th November, 2018.
Just me and the older male human today. The cat was there as well but I don’t count him as he is a cat and therefore a non entity.
Although the older male human pretends to hate me, I think he quite likes me really. Today he was telling me about his Dad and how much he misses him. He then gave me half a sausage from his lunchtime sandwich (when I say ‘gave’, I mean he left it unattended for a nano second and I swooped like a hawk).
I miss my Dad too. Although I look like a Beagle, my Dad was actually a Spaniel. I wonder if his Dad was a Spaniel as well, even though he looks like a human. Perhaps I’ll find out one day.
Saturday 10th November, 2018.
Apparently the smaller humans have today off school. From what I can tell they might as well have every day off as they don’t appear to be learning anything.
I attempted to engage the smallest one in a debate centred on the issues reported in the evening news but all he seemed able to do was to grab my tail, pull it, and make loud trumping noises. Granted, this was hilarious but I’d still have liked his views on Brexit and the funny looking fellow who lives in the White House.
Sunday 11th November, 2018.
It’s Remembrance Sunday. A day when we quite rightly remember those who gave their today for our tomorrows. That includes all the animals who have played a part, however big or small, in helping to preserve our freedoms (even cats but don’t tell anyone I wrote this). We will remember them. We will remember them.
You can read more about animals in war and the memorial that exists to ensure we remember them by clicking the link below:
After we’d paid our respects it was time for bed. As I lay on my red blanket with white spots (don’t ask) I reflected on my first week in my surroundings. It’s really not so bad, I think I could be happy here once I’ve trained the humans in basic obedience techniques.
I still hate the cat though. That’ll never change.
Scraps ‘The Cat’ has also written a Blog post back in the days when there was no puppy to torment him. You can read it by clicking the link below: