I know you are very busy at this time of the year but, hopefully, you will find a moment to read this.
As you know I’ve been a good boy in 2018 (let’s not split hairs by bringing up my behaviour during Jan 12th, June 5th-9th, August 23rd and the months of September and October) so I hope you will consider my Christmas list favourably.
You will note that although some of the things on my list are for me, I have included requests for gifts for others. Please don’t read this as a cynical attempt to curry favour with your good self even though it’s clearly a cynical attempt to curry favour with your good self.
1. The first thing on my list is peace on Earth. I appreciate that this is a big ask so I’d settle for peace of mind. If this is also pushing it then perhaps a novelty ‘peace and ham’ cup of soup would be an acceptable compromise.
2. Please can all my family and friends have the last malteser. I love all of them enough, even the annoying ones…
3. Socks obviously. I don’t actually want socks but I know I’ll get them anyway so they might as well be on the list.
4. I’d really love at least a modicum of ability to be able to indulge in, alcohol free, ‘small talk’. Being British I do have about thirty seconds worth of weather talk in my armoury but, beyond this, I’m fairly clueless.
5. Can Rudolph have something for his inflamed nose? I’m sure, in this day and age, any decent satellite navigation system could guide your sleigh on the big night. No need to rely on, a clearly under the weather, Reindeer to ensure my presents (I mean everybody’s presents) are delivered to the right addresses.
6. I’d like less men to die young. Perhaps, as you do your rounds this Christmas Eve, you could invite a few of them to join you and share the glass of sherry and mince pie they helped their children set out in readiness for your arrival. I’m sure being given the opportunity to ‘just talk’ with someone as wise and magical as you will help more than the usual gifts they might receive, even socks. Be sure to remind them that they are not alone and that there are others they can turn to as well as jolly men, of advancing years, wearing red suits.
7. I wouldn’t turn my nose up at a packet of picked onion Monster Munch crisps. If they were ‘grab bag’ size I’d be ecstatic.
8. A selection of items especially designed for the left hander would be wonderful. It would be a great feeling to be able to eat food that I’ve successfully extracted using a tin opener or to cut things using scissors, even things that don’t need cutting like my children’s hair while they’re asleep.
9. A Ferrari.
10. A Helicopter.
11. A Desert Island.
12. One of my dads old hiking socks, at the bottom of my bed, as a replacement stocking. Who cares what’s in it as long as it’s him that comes and leaves it there.
13. Please release the no.13 from its connection to bad luck. It could do with a change of fortune. Maybe make the no.54 the new ‘unlucky number’, it’s had everything it’s own way for far too long in my humble opinion.
p.s. I’ve included a spare key with this letter so you don’t have to squeeze down my chimney. Give me a shout if you need help unloading any of my gifts.