New Years Resolutions…
I’m not usually one for making New Years resolutions as they play havoc with my inherent commitment to catastrophic failure.
I thought I’d give it a go this year though. Apart from anything else the dishwasher needs emptying and compiling this list is a useful diversion from that particular chore.
So without further ado, I give you my New Years resolutions for 2019:
1. I resolve to fail catastrophically at everything I do apart from everything I do. Of course I will fail sometimes but I resolve to adopt a more positive mindset around these setbacks. No longer will they be my failures as I will steadfastly look for somebody else to take the blame. If there’s nobody obvious around, for me to throw under the metaphorical bus, I’ll blame either the French or Tom Cruise.
2. I resolve to employ my teenage son as head of dishwasher emptying in the household. I’m confident he will be able to discharge this duty effectively without it interfering with his other role as head of looking at himself in the mirror.
3. I resolve to write less on the topic of mental health. As we stand on the precipice of 2019, I feel like the train I ride through life has finally exited the long tunnel it has been traveling through for the last eighteen months or so. Of course there may well be other tunnels ahead but, for now, I can sit back and enjoy the scenery.
4. I resolve to do more when I notice those struggling with their own mental health. I think it’s time I gave them more than just my words.
5. I resolve to teach the world to sing. It might take a while for perfect harmony to be achieved but, if we all commit to ‘giving it a go’, I’m sure we can bash out a decent rendition of ‘I’ve got a brand new combine harvester’ by the peerless Wurzels by this time next year.
Click the link to sing along and make your foot tap involuntarily.
6. I resolve to find people less annoying. Obviously this will be difficult, as people are annoying, but I aim to start small and build towards some form of mild tolerance. As of noon tomorrow I am no longer annoyed with the fifty six people inhabiting the Pitcairn Islands in the far South Pacific. I’ll probably still be slightly irritated by them for a while yet but I’ll no longer be outright annoyed.
7. I resolve to smile in selfies more. I have received feedback that my attempts to look enigmatic have sometimes come across as looking like someone who’s just had their foot run over by a monster truck. Although I’m sure there is a niche audience out there for this kind of thing, it’s not really what I’m after, so I will try and turn my frown upside down at least some of the time.
8. I resolve to teach my young dog new tricks before he becomes an unteachable old dog. So far I’ve taught him how to saw a lady in half, how to pull a rabbit out of a hat and how to make himself disappear whenever a DIY task needs completing.
9. I resolve to love and to allow myself to be loved.
10. I resolve to go to bed annoyed with myself if I’ve not delivered at least one kindness every day. If I go three days in a row, without achieving this simplest of things, then I additionally resolve to give myself a Chinese burn and report myself to the Police for a crime against decency.
Have you made any New Years resolutions? I’d love to hear them if you have. If you can’t think of any, feel free to ‘borrow’ any of mine.
Happy New Year and thanks for reading this post and any others you’ve subjected yourself to during 2018. If you’re in the mood a selection of these can be found below: